I have been absent again… Sorry…seems like a new trend of mine.
Absent, is an interesting choice of words. Fitting though. I have been absent from my self, from my family, from my work…hiding it feels actually. Fear seems to have set in again for me. I can easily blame work or all the chaos that is my life right now, but in all realities…it’s fear. My fear of being me that makes me run and hide. Why is it we sometimes have the hardest time accepting ourselves? Seems ridiculous to me that I can give advice…see the pictures for someone and yet…doubt myself. The logical need to argue the facts part of me gets nervous. I start to realize…or should I say fear that I don’t know enough about “all this” to confidently argue my point…or stand up for my belief….I need to remember to trust myself, my spirit and to have faith that the answers are my answers…my beliefs and that they come to me from a high power…a transcended power, bigger than here and now. I need to tune out the rolling of the eyes…the smugness, or the whispers under the breath that I see and sense from people who seem to placate me with acceptance. If I believed in me…it wouldn’t matter what anyone else said or thought…it would not matter. My human need to be accepted and like the “norm” does nothing but make me feel that much more different then everyone else. When if I would just be me…I would fit in just fine, and where I didn’t fit in…would not matter.
I think one of the hardest lessons for me…in this life time is self exceptence. Sounds simple…but for those of us that have this block…it’s not. We accept everything and everyone…your beliefs your orientation…you choices…but yet true self acceptance seems to lurk just beyond reach in the corner of a dark and scary room. Something we venture towards…look in and embrace what we see…what we can understand and know….however the dark shadowed parts scare the Hell out of us. For me I seem to be afraid of unleashing…something that maybe I will not be able to control. In one of my many past life’s, I think I was very powerful…and I don’t feel that I used that power for good…I was very angry and vengeful….and this led to a lot of death and destruction. A very unhappy lifetime of loneliness and despair. Built up from a lot of personal loss. There seems to be this darkness that scares me. Something to contemplate….
However, if a stranger came to me and told me this… I would tell them that, that was then and they need to know that the need to suppress their power was no longer serving them… And that they now have a different path with more self control. They need to embrace their whole spirit. I would tell them that in that lifetime of darkness their self control was out of balance… They were not living through their whole spirit…but only one side of it…. Balance is key, and by rejecting all of ourselves we are not in balance…and to find true peace, balance is key.
I would tell them to open their hearts… Their arms and embrace who they are.. and know that with that embrace they would be accepting their whole self, and in turn…welcoming balance into their life… Trust, and believe…that we are who we are…right now…. In this lifetime….for a reason… Have faith that the path will only get brighter and the corners will become bright with spirit and love when we accept balance and ourselves for who were were meant to be….not what we are for others.
Well….lunch is over…just some light thinking….thanks for listening.