DAY 1 OF THE FEAR CHALLENGE
Let me start out by saying that this is hard. I knew it would be, however the accountability part…yikes. My encounter with “Fear” I believe was disguised as anger.
1) Anger– Today an emotion that kept presenting itself to me was anger. The more angry I would get, the more I felt like it really wasn’t just anger. It had all the makings of my first topic on personal fear, and how it disguises itself.
2) Alternate response to this form of fear would be to breathe- Stop and ask yourself why– Why are you so angry right now. The key today was to really ask myself what I was so mad at. How did the issue affect me, my day. Is it really a form of fear? Alternately I should have noted the issue and then left it at that. I did not have a solution and it really was not my issue. I should have let it go.
3 & 4) Analyse this fear deeper. Is it rational or irrational- did this. Please believe me that this is tough. I over justify as well as analyse everything and as I am trying to snuff of the anger I am feeling, I am convincing myself that it is unjust. I then found myself arguing internally about how just it really was. In actually writing this I cannot help but chuckle. I am wittnessing myself having an internal argument over whether or not I am justified in being angry. LOL! the funny thing is, I am still on the fence. Maybe the real fear here is choosing a side. Commiting to a point of view. Being afraid of allienating myself or others. Fear of being labeled narrow minded. Fear of being labeled…weak. Burried benieth the layers of what the issue was (which by the way was a work thing, something that effected the whole not just me) a global work enviroment issue. which alternately forced me to get angry because deep inside I felt I needed to make a choice, pick a side, take a stance….this can sometimes really hold me back
Signs to look for in the future… intense anger in situations that don’t seem to be directly related to me. These moments are really good cues for me to look for in the future.
Whew! I am thinking that I may have bit off more than I can chew here… Today Anger brought me to Fear… in looking into this fear I realized that the fear of picking a side and not remaining neutral and possibly having it laid out in front of me to make me face the fact that I was leading by emotions and not facts is what held me back… and kept me from standing up for what was maybe not a popular choice or voice but one that should have been expressed, ultimately making me feel weak for being a women or feeling like a weak woman. YEP that was a round about way of coming to it… but yep…I said it..
Was this a good thing today??? I need to continue thinking about this. I feel I have at least uncovered a layer or two. Now I am thinking that the week is going to really pull this challenge together.