There have been so many times this last week that I thought the end of this week would never come. The revelations have been pretty forthcoming and I believe overall it has been really empowering. The one thing I really tried to not do this week was to sugar coat things. I felt that would diminish it in some way. That being said there are still so many things I left unsaid, unwritten. But that does not mean I did not take a look at them, as well as them look at me.
The fears that came up were as follows:
Day 1- Anger (being considered a weak woman).
Day 2- anxiety that when looked deeper was about the fear of loss.
Day 3- Fear of living for yourself…brought up a lot of work related fears such as:
Not being good enough
Not knowing enough
Not living up to expectations
Being taken advantage of
Being left behind
Being forgotten about
Not making a difference
Being left out
Not being respected
Being laughed at
Day 4- Back to Anger- but really it was a fear of not being good enough, inadequate, being forgotten.
Day 5- Letting go
After looking at each one of these personal issues/roadblocks this week I think that I could sum it all up into one fear. I am afraid to…just…be..me.
This is a broad fear we all battle with, I think to some extent. From an early stage we are all taught to be the best we can be (don’t mean to steal a line from the Army) but it’s true. From what we are “supposed” to be, what is “expected” of us, what we have been “labeled”, as well as what roll we are to play in this big game called life.
We’ve all been dealt our own hand in this game. Some seem to be luckier than others, but none of us really knows what personal struggles anyone is going through. What looks nice and easy and lucky to you may actually be the opposite to the one who lives it. You don’t know their back story, their struggles, or what thoughts they carry in there head. This is an important thing to remember when your wishing for someone else’s life.
As to my fears, I ultimately have trust issues as well as issues regarding being a woman. Now, let me explain this a little better. When I say I have issues being a woman, I am not talking about my sexuality. I am very well a woman, and in touch with my personal sexuality and ability. I do not underestimate for one minute the power of the female body, not by all means. I understand it’s capacity as well as it’s power.
What I am talking about is the emotional side. I have problems trusting and expressing my feelings, to the point of suppression.
And when you suppress something for too long it will find a way to release itself and ultimately lead to an explosion.
Let’s look at the example of a kinked hose. Have you ever kinked a hose to slow down or temporarily stop the flow of water? When you do this the water isn’t turned off is it? What it does is builds up behind the blockage or kink. If this kink is left unattended the pressure of the water will eventually burst through (with explosive pressure) to say the least. For me, for what ever reason, I feel that the showing of emotions (as a woman) makes me appear weak. So I tend to hide this part of me, I suppress it. The longer I suppress the stronger the need for release. My emotional insecurities of being considers weak, not good enough, of being forgotten or left behind all reach a peak and cause miniature ruptures along my life. The pressure leaks end up disguising themselves as easy to understand emotions such as fear, or anger. When in reality, while it may be a fear it is also so much more then what is being seen on the surface. It is a fear of self acceptance. A fear of being myself, saying what I feel, doing what I want, and trusting that I will still be loved and accepted for who I am.
Now this is all happening on a deeper level mind you, as I truly believe I am a very strong and confident person. What I NEED to embrace is, that I am a very strong and confident WOMAN that is allowed to have emotions, I am allowed to cry.
Some where along the line I have given more power to the masculine. To truly be balanced we must embrace the masculine and the feminine equally. One is not better over the other. In spirit I know this. In body, well… my masculine dominates.
For me this week, I learned that I must start embracing myself for who I am. Forgive myself for not being perfect, or my ideal of what a perfect me should look like. I need to learn to trust that those that matter will unconditionally love me always, for who I really am, not who I think they want me to be.
This was a very deep journey. As I said before many things discovered, even though it may have been left unwritten, did not gone unnoticed. I have a lot of personal work to do. First and foremost I need to learn to receive and ask for help (accepting that it is not a weakness to do so). I was actually told today (at a holistic fair) that when I refuse assistance or don’t allow someone to give to me I appear selfish.
This statement stunned me. Selfish is exactly what I sometimes feel when I think of asking or do accept things from people, how could this be what I am projecting? She told me that it sends the message to them that their offer, gift, time, or whatever it is, is not good enough. WOW…that is definitely not the message I am intending to send. This just validated that I need to work on this for many reasons.
Finally, I want to add that I am not a curled up mess of a person all alone with no one there supporting me. No…I am very lucky. I have so many wonderful people in my life. People who are there for me and love and support me (regardless) every step of the way, in everything I do. I am truly blessed.
The thing is there are many of us out there that even though we have the support…somewhere along the road we stopped feeling that we deserved it or were not entitled to it. It can seem irrational, and that is why we keep it buried so deep. I believe now Is the time, to uncover it. Because if we don’t, we truly can’t continue to grow. Baby steps, that’s what I said before. All it takes is baby steps.
Fear beware. I know I will still have them, but now I understand them a little more. Overall this was a very productive challenge.
Next week I hope to blog on personal empowerment, warrior soul types and past lives.
Thank you for coming along my journey.