I have been in a space lately which has provided me with little focus on my writing. It seems a lot of the different compartments in my life are all needing some kind of attention.
Each one with a message, a lesson to be learned, all coming at me at one time. This is not however by chance. I realize this. It is because of the journey I have been on and the growth I have experienced along the way. I understand this, and I welcome the chance to grow. A greater part of my lessons really, is to learn how to discern what is mine and of mine what is the most important. I am being presented with the points along my path that I maybe would have missed before. Little stops in the road, so to speak. Places where you must chose a direction to take, left or right.
For me weakness is a big theme. It seems I am being faced with this word in what feels like all aspects of my life. Work, health, relationships, and internally.
As for the physical sense, well I have undertaken a personal challenge to get in shape. Even though I have spent a lot of time over the past few years in our local gym I have become out of shape. I seem to of gotten into such a routine nothing was changing. I decided to take charge and signed up for a Firm body boot camp. This class has humbled me, by how weak and out of shape I have truly become. The class is kicking my butt!!
I was also getting a massage from a wonderful healer who uses many different healing modalities in her service. While working on my body and receiving information for me from her guides and my guides she told me that I need to be more accepting of my feminine self. Embrace her. She asked me why I resisted it so much. I told her that I have seemed to equate being feminine with being weak. She told me that I cannot be strong with out first being weak, and that sometimes strength comes to us in the acceptance of our weaknesses. This actually made me cry. I have spent and still spend to much time being strong. Sometimes I have even resented the weak, for not taking charge or a stand. I have not allowed myself to accept weakness in myself.
I can accept and encourage others to embrace their hearts, cry if they need to cry, and have encouraged them take comfort in their needs. All the while telling them it is ok, that there is no judgement and nothing wrong with simply crying. I believe this with all my heart and do not judge them. I accept them and do not find them as weak. Yet, I will not accept it in myself, for to me I would be weak… Makes no sense, I know this.
Most all of us hold ourselves at a higher standard, we expect more from ourselves then we do from others. I have always assumed it is because deep within,we know how hard we have tried, or haven’t tried. We know. That knowing seems to get out of hand however, we can begin to expect to much.
The first few days of my boot camp, I felt like giving up. I pushed on and nearly passed out. How stupid is that!? What glory do I have to gain by passing out, what and to whom do I have anything to really prove? The fear of weakness can be physically taxing and even dangerous for your health.
I think of crying as a sign of weakness. At a very early age, I found that crying did not change things, it can sometimes actually make them worse. I stuff my emotions, and live in a vey protected bubble. Never allowing my emotions to run completely free. Doing so in my eyes would make me weak.
Crying does not make one weak. Never asking for help makes us weak. Never letting our true self be seen makes us weak.
I believe that in our fight to be strong we sometime find it easier to push ourselves aside and hide behind a coat of armor versus face ourselves in the mirror.
Doing this causes us to see images in others that may reflect a part of who we are that we may have forgotten,because we have buried that piece of ourselves so deep.
I do believe that this desire to block out our weaknesses and live only within the strength is controlled more by our ego then by spirit.
So we must stop trying to be perfect, live to experience life. Stop and smell the roses when you get tired. Life is not a race. It is not meant for us to be perfect. It is to learn, grow and make decisions that change our life. Strength is in the acceptance of ourself, so we can stop fearing the differences in others. Weakness does not cause fear, hate or win or lose wars. Denying our weaknesses is. For by denying our weakness, we deny ourselves.
I will let you in on something I have been trying.
I have decided to imagine myself in whatever images of weakness I can think of. I have closed my eyes, and lined up all the weak me’s I can imagine.
Now, I am warning you this is hard, and very emotional so it may take a few times (depending on how many images you have).
Once all of me are present, I sit and really take a look at me. The first time I did this I was only able to look at the first one. It was so…awakening. I saw a version of me, crying. I felt so bad for this person. I asked what was wrong, why I was crying. I looked at myself and this version of me said, because you have rejected me. I was moved to tears. How could anyone reject this beautiful soul. I was moved.
I realized then that I need to look at my so called weaknesses as if I am looking at a stranger. Would I then see it as a weakness and dismiss it, or would I understand and accept them for who and what they were.
Granted I have only done this exercise twice. It is a process I feel you cannot rush. Conjuring up all your weakened versions of yourself (can be overwhelming) the first time is a good idea. This gives you a good look at what your have to work through personally. After that, work with one version at a time. Just acknowledge them, and let the reality of it sink in. This is how you will heal.
My issue is weakness, but I really think this process will work with whatever internal issue you are working on.
Good luck, thanks for letting me express myself. I hope you all have a wonderful weak.