Photo taken at a herb garden in a little Oregon town.
My daughter text me something last week that is still bouncing around in my head.
“I sometimes forget that other people have things going on in their own life. That they don’t only exist in that paticular moment of contact, in my life, for me. That when I am not around their lives continues on”. EM
I couldn’t help but just freeze in that moment and be transported back in time. To my childhood. It was shortly after my parents divorce and my Grandfathers death. I recalled being in the back seat of my Moms Malibu, we were driving somewhere, and I was watching the landscap pass as we drove. I would see cars passing by and get a glimps of the people in the car, sometimes I would meet eyes with one of the passengers and smile. While sitting at a stoplight I remember watching the people in the car next to me… imagining what was transpiring in their conversation and in their lives. Who were they, did they really exsist? Were they only there at that moment in time for me? To distract me, my thoughts? Did anyone exsist after my encounter with them was finished? If I could no longer see them, were they real?
I started to think about this alot. From that moment on I really wondered how this life of mine would play out. Were all the people in my life, just playing a roll? It started to make sense. It would also begin to explain why I felt so different, do detached from everything and everyone.
Jumping back to the now… I suddenly was thinking, what are the odds that my daughter would have some of the same thoughts? I have asked others if they have pondered this (and I know there are others out there)…but those that I have asked in my life, all have responded with a “no”. I have then gone on to ask if they have known of anyone that has told them they felt this way at one time. They have chuckled and said “no, just … you and now your daughter”. I refuse to think or believe this is that unique!
Now, for me these thoughts did not stop there… they continued and progressed into a different thought. I started to realize I was different, and that I needed to keep my differentness hidden. I started to think that the people in my family were all monsters. That when I would go to sleep, they would contemplate ways to get rid of me. I would imagine that if they got angry enough with me, they would get rid of my and would plot my demise. I know this is a rather shocking statement… Honestly, at 45 I have only spoken of this childhood fear a handful of times. Whenever I did it was always in a joking way. But it haunted me. Looking back I think it had a lot to do with my souls adjustment. You see, I always knew too much, things that didnt make sense to know. At first I didn’t know any different, and the knowing was just knowing. It made sense. I could sense emotions, feel them. I knew I was bigger, older than my age. However; it started confusing others. My stories and tales were just fabrications of a little strange girl. I feel I lived in two worlds, the one in my head and the one I learned to project to the world around me. I am sure my images of Monsters plotting my demise also had a lot to do with a child learning to dealing with loss, my parents divorce and the loss of my Grandfather (a man I was deeply attached to). Eventually these images were pushed aside, contemplated again only when sitting with friends discussing the purpose of life.
As I pushed the images of Monsters and the world revolving literally around and for only me deep down into my subconsious, I also pushed my secrets away. The talking to the trees, and the communication with animals, I slowly started to shut them off.
I think that when you grow up realizing that your different and long to just fit in… you end up creating masks for yourself. Masks that allow you to be whatever the people in your life want you to be. You become to some extent a pleaser, never wanting to rock the boat, at least not too hard…
Interesting how, that one text would bring up all these memories. Awakening oneself to the rediscovery of self.
My goal now is to make sure that my daughter never forgets herself. To teach her and enable her to retain the gifts she has, the knowing, the animal connection, her empathy. To teach her to embrace her uniquness.
Now is the time for us all to accept who were are, where we are on our paths. Embrace the life you live. Imagine the beauty of collective acceptance. Letting light flow into the shadows of doubt and misgivings that fear creates. My heart begings to overflow with love and peace at knowing that right…now… is really just the beginning!