Time to learn to swim with the current, not against it…

Pisces Spiral GalaxyI think what I am learning that right now…is we need to really dig into the old wounds. Peel back the scab that avoidance has formed and really dig at the root of the issue.

Just the thought of it is painful, uncomfortable and downright unpleasant.  Yes…I know it’s a disgusting image.  This imagery is in place to keep us away.  We want to avoid and that avoidance lets the scab form. Contrary to what we have been told about picking scabs…in this instance picking at the scab will not leave a scare.  Quite the opposite. Finding the cause will remove the cover up as well as the potential scare tissue and help us move forward.

I feel pretty confident that now is the time to move forward. Unearthing the issue we have avoided or let “scab” over will help us to see clearer the direction we are meant to go….the direction however that we go in will not be as easy as it could be when we carry our untreated wounds.  Doing this will feel like you are going up hill instead of traveling forward on a level plain. Why is it important? Just think of all the energy we will or would have if we didn’t need to carry all the scars with us. We would be able to focus and manifest that much the clearer and faster.

In the spirit of the Pisces new moon,  lets swim with the current not against it right now. If you feel like it is nothing but currents and you’re not getting where you are want to be…maybe you are dragging too much with you.  Are you even aware of what you are holding on to?  Are you holding on out of habit? Does it serve you or even matter anymore?

Much of the internal resistance we are feeling right now is in conjunction with mercury being in retrograde…it seems to be having more of an internal effect on us this time, instead as much externally.   As we near the 17th of March,  the fog will start to clear…things will begin to make more sense again.  Now is the perfect time to just sit with your thoughts.

Take time in the next few days to show appreciation for your perseverance. Applaud yourself for what you have accomplished…how far you have come. This has been a new time…a fast time. Energetically things are shifting quicker than ever before. In all the haste of change we need to be reminded to stop and show ourselves appreciation (no matter how small) it is VERY important. I am reminded of a song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show…Time warp…the thing is…we are all doing the time warp right now.  Everything is moving, quickly.  The saying “Thoughts become things”…takes on a new importance…as it becomes a more urgent reminder to focus on the positive.

So how are we to pick off the scabs and remain positive you ask? Remain NEUTRAL, this is the key.  Some of those old wounds have been festering for a very long time, so it’s not always easy to do this.  The energetic charge we are all carrying right now tells me that we have the power, right now, to take this stand.  It is what is necessary and all that’s standing in our way is the shadow of fear. Fear from our past attempts…and the events themselves.  Just remember that spirit does not lead us to something that it thinks we are not equip to handle.
The time  right now,  is to center ourselves and run our energy…
Pull in a a beautiful light of spirit…a white iridescent glow that is rich in love, warmth, wisdom and strength.  
Trust this light.  Let it fill you.
Fill you with the strength and courage you need to rip the “bandage” off and air out what we have kept covered. Then Breathe deeply, and with each breath know that you are not alone, you are never alone and
Release..release…and release.

Then fill in with all that you desire…no doubts how it will all be achieved… Just believe.
Trust that the picture is bigger than you could ever imagine.
Know that love is the ultimate goal.
Remove self judgement and allow things to unfold.
Step into your light body, and allow yourself to feel the warmth. Bask in it.
Breathe in the inspiration that surrounds you.

The task at hand is more about exposing the wound… Acknowledging it.  Thanking it in a sense for the lessons you have learned from it, and then letting it know that it is no longer serving you. It’s original purpose is no longer needed…the protection or reminder has been replaced with a new understanding.  An understanding of who you are and why.  Love now fills the space where the scab once was.  Love will replace the void, the regret, the pain.  If this were a card game Love would ultimately heal and trump all.  Play the love card on you self. 

The beauty of love is that once you give it, you release it…you are automatically filled with more. The more you give the more you recieve…it is endless.

Remember Love =more love….

Namaste~

When you come into contact with people are you presenting your true self, or do you wear a mask?

IMAGE_137

Original Artwork by my daughter Erin Mihalchick

 

I started thinking about this when I noticed that I have what seems to me as a slightly different presentation of myself, depending on the social situation I am in. So I started to take a look at what I am filtering and what masks I may  where and why.  This prompted me to list the most common social groups we encounter on a daily basis.  Some of these groups overlap eachother and can make them even that much more complex.

What about you, what masks or filters do you wear when you are with specific groups of people?  Do you represent yourself universally to all or does it depend on who you are with?

Take a moment and think about the following groups of people…

  • Strangers
  • Friends
  • CoWorkers
  • Spouse
  • Family (immediate)
  • Relative

I would love to say that  I am always the same person.  But I am not.  I used to strive to be the same person all the time.  The same face, same energy.  However what I have come to realize is that I am missing the beauty of all that I am.  We all wear so many faces throughout the day, it is the forgetting of our truth and our essence while switching from mask to mask that fades us away.  The trick, or lesson really (no tricks) is to learn how to remain yourself but allow your energy to adapt to the different situations you find yourself in,  to appropriately shine.

If you were asked which of the above do you feel you can be your true unmasked 100 watt self around, what would you answer?  Would it be Family, Spouse, Friends?  How many would pick  Strangers?  In giving you a 100% honest answer, for me I would pick Stangers.

Many may argue my point, and please feel free.  I love to hear and learn other perspectives!
I would pick strangers because with them there are no preconcieved expectations.  I can just be.  Usually in those moments of just being, when we do not think about the how or the why we are able to just be.

When we are with all the other groups our Friends, Family, Spouse, CoWorkers and Relatives we are ourselves but with a filter or mask.  We excentuate the traits that blend best with a specific group.  This goes even further than the groups listed we have subgroups within subgroups.  The challenge we all face is balance.  Balancing the extent of the filters or masks we wear.  If you find that you are using filter upon filter to drown out your truth then you are no longer being authentic.  Many will say you should not have to filter or mask at all that you should be accepted for you in all your entirety.  I think that there is sooo much truth to that, however I would challenge those with only that stance. 

 My challenge would be this.  Think about the many multidimensional layers that make us who we are.  In different times of our lives one may be more dominant than another (granted if you have successfully learned all that you were here to learn and were living in nirvana, well then this would not apply).  For all the rest of us we have journeys to travel and lessons to learn.  If we only surround ourselves with those that are just like us we become limited in our thoughts and our growth. By not allowing ourself to filter and not shield off others we are able to encounter new situations, new information and expand.  Learning and growth is about expansion of both our views and our encounters. Let us also not forget the power of enlightenment of others.  Allowing others to see our spark will draw them near and open there hearts and minds to possibilities they had not thought of before.  We are all here to share our knowledge with each other to come back to the collective.  Filters and Masks can help us connect more, it allows the different personalities that we all posses, the ability to unite and have a voice.

 Some here may call me crazy, but I really do believe we all carry multiple personalities; some of course may have more varied personalities than others abd there is a fine line of control with these traits.     

Think about it like this; if you are a parent you have a parent mask that you wear, at work you have (or for a lot of us) you have a professional mask you put on and filter out the party animal.  With friends you allow the social side of your to become dominant and you allow the worry and stress to be filtered.  With our spouse or a significant other you allow a romantic side to flow through and you enter a deeper more intimate you be exposed.  Some here would say that the filters and masks go away.  But this is where I disagree, almost all of them do but you still have expectations that are within the relationship, for the most part here, you have to wear the filter or mask however  you may perceive it to remember that you must consider another, not just self.  I am not saying we are not authentic or we are not really ourselves, I am saying that we all have layers and masks.  I just wonder how aware are you of yours?

The next question past awareness of the filters and masks are how you are using yours.  Are you hiding behind them seeking false acceptance?  Are you afraid to take yours off for fear of rejection?  Have you lost sight of who you really are? 

This is where running your energy, and grounding yourself can help you get back to you.  By learning how to tap into earth and spirit and then release…all that isn’t yours…This is how you can find your way back to you.  Here you can also feel again how it feels to be just you. A you without expectations, without responsibility, without masks and most importantly without judgment.   You are then able to look at where you wear your masks and filters.  You will be able to discern what serves you and what doesn’t.  The process of finding your energy and allowing yourself the space and boundaries to be all that you can be will be the most rewarding experience of your life.  It is the foundation of all growth. 

You will then understand the different filters and masks that you use and how to use them in a constructive way that allows you to still be who you are. 

It all comes back to understanding ourselves, and to truly understand ourselves we have to understand our energetic field, bodies our quantum selves.  We need to first look within to understand what is on the external side. Our internal light (spirit) shines so bright that sometimes we need to hold a space that allows our energy to not overpower anothers, this is where understanding your energy and holding your boundaries is so very crucial!

Going back to my intitial question of: If you were asked which of the above do you feel you can be your true unmasked 100 watt self around, what would you answer?  My initial answer of Stranger is probably incorrect.  Even when we are encountered by a stranger we are probably wearing the masks and filters of whatever situation we are in.  We have a higher chance of being 100% us, especially since we could be in that relaxed transition state.  My answer now though would be none of the above situations and would be, when I am running my energy. 

Well, there is a quick look at masks and layers.  Soon we will talk more about the positives as well as the negatives. 

Have a wonderful day!

Namaste~

Gratitude for a successful event!!!!

Picture4

I need to take a few moments and talk about The success of The Everyday Psychics Conference! I am filled with gratitude and I want to thank everyone that was able to come out and participate!

It was AMAZING!!!! The women I worked with that day were amazing, the attendees were amazing…LOL! Yep, you could say it was amazing.

I was surrounded by such powerful and beautiful energies and all with the highest of intent for the day as well as overall enlightenment.  Our topics were all diverse yet so very similar.  It provided for such beautiful diversity.

I talked that day about understanding your energy, and the importance of grounding.  In the morning we spent a lot of time introducing ourselves, sharing our early experiences and talking about what it means to be psychic, intuitive or clairvoyant in our own lives.  In the afternoon we each had about 45 minutes to share a tool with you.  I took everyone through a guided meditation and grounding session. I talked about the energetic body and the many dimensions of self that make up who we are.  Eva Black Tail Swan did a drumming workshop and exposed us all to a wonderful sample of the Cherokee Ceremony. Sarina Baptista connected attendees to their crossed over loved ones and explained how this works for her.  Jonelle Davis talked about uncovering our wounds to find our gifts and how knowing your birth number can help you determine your perfect career.  Michelle talked about understanding your boundaries, and how being in tune with the cycles of time can help us all go with the ebb and flow of life.

We are trying to put together our next conference which will probably be in the Colorado Springs area early summer or late spring!

CLICK HERE to see some snippets of video of our intros as well as our closing comments of the conference! check us out!!!!!!

Namaste~

acknowledgement

Insta gram moon

I have been thinking about this word; acknowledgement and how it is such a big word that is seemingly used so sparingly.  

When you first hear acknowledgement, what do think of first?  Acknowledging someone for a job well done or acknowledging someone in line with you with a head nod?  These of course count, but really when you think of it, acknowledgement is much bigger than that. 

Like in a previous post:  That’s what I said; keep your thoughts positive I talked about that incessant child you hear in a store saying “mom. mom. mom. mom.mom.mom” over and over till finally the mother will say what?! And the child, responds with either I forgot, or I love you.  When (in most cases) all they really want is to be acknowledged.  Really don’t we all?  No one really wants to be invisable…at least not all the time.  There is an innate drive in nearly all of us to be appreciated and at least acknowledged for who we are and what we do.  It does not need to be an award or public announcement, nothing grandiose or pretentious.  What we are looking for is honest true acknowledgement.

That’s one way of looking at acknowledgment… from outside ourselves.  How about self acknowledgement?  Are you good at acknowledging self? How about spirit?

Let’s look at it from this way.  As you begin to awaken your spirit, yourself, your soul, are you acknowledging these new aspects of self, of who you are completely?  Or do you only acknowledge your physical self?  In many of the classes I have taught students will say that once they opened themselves up they could not shut it off.  They complained of being knocked off guard and inundated with “intrusions”.  These intrusions could be classified as signs, hearing messages, feeling others energy as well as taking that energy on as their own.  It could be also as big as those out there that are finding that they have a connection with the crossed over (mediums).  I myself have only had two distinct experiences with this personally and it is not one of my featured abilities.  Featured…Ha!  that sounds funny, but…it fits.  However; what I have noticed with these students are that, even though they  have tapped into their spirit and are open to this new higher vibration, their boundaries have fallen by the wayside.When this happens this communication can feel like an intrusion.  So, what do we do with these intrusions, we start to ignore them, and get frustrated. 

What I mean by this is it is all about balance.  Spirit is so excited when they can communicate with us, that they want to communicate all the time, and don’t always understand how this is not possible. for them (us) it is the ultimate reward to have the realms open.  What we need to learn to do (and practice) is set up some boundaries and guidelines.  I am giving you a list of course this list is outlined in the most basic of form (I detail it more in classes) but hopefully it is something to get you started with.  Try practicing it daily but at least once or twice a week. See if it makes a difference.  If you are able to do it daily you will feel the return/benefits that much faster. Everything is about practice.

  1. Run your energy regularly
  2. Set your boundaries (energetically) a space that is just for you…around you.
  3. Set aside specific times to work on connecting and listening to the messages you receive
  4. Acknowledge

Running your energy is the first step!  It helps you stay grounded and clean of other people’s energies. It sets the stage for you personal space and helps in setting your boundaries.

Boundaries…this is easier to discuss in a class room where we can do some guided meditation and walk you through the process… but, think of it as surrounding yourself with light.  You can pick the color of light that means what ever it is you would like your boundaries to invoke or put out to others as well as yourself.  you can also layer your boundaries so you have the closest to you for you only and the outer layer for those you encounter.

Setting aside time.  This really is key. It helps put you in charge of your gift.  Most of us have day jobs and active earthly lives that mean we have to be present for ourself and others.  By setting “time” aside we let spirit know that we want to communicate but not while running a fork lift or driving in traffic.

Back to the key word of the blog today Acknowledgement.  Often like the child hanging on the parents leg…spitit just wants to be acknowledged.  Ignoring them will only make them try harder.  They begin to wonder if you can still hear them, and get louder or more incessant.  That is why three and four go so well together.  By giving them the times that you are “on call” they will become more and more patient therein giving you more control over your own life.

Wow… that is such a condensed version… I hope it makes a little sense.  Pretty much anything we ignore gets bigger and bigger and if you look at it from the viewpoint of love and universal acceptance we all just want to be acknowledged.

Well, that is all for now.  Have a great Tuesday!! 

Namaste~

Bound by energy

564367_10151077410083129_1192353119_n

I seem to be living ahead of myself lately. Which isn’t a bad thing. I just need to remember to not let myself lose touch with the here and now. Remembering to enjoy the present time is as important as planning for tomorrow.

 Sometimes I stop and look around, only to find myself several steps ahead of my physical body. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but a different thing. My spirit is pulling my body along (like a kite).  As long as I don’t break the string and I stay close enough to keep myself engaged, I will be fine.

 I love that my body basically keeps me grounded! I am also very aware that if I don’t focus on grounding myself and being balanced within my multi-demensional self…I will become inefficient and float off course.

I have been reminded quite a bit lately, of the importance of grounding myself and being more aware of bringing in earth and spirit energy to fully move in the direction that I need to go.

 You see, by grounding ourselves…we are able to run our energies and see how things feel (within) and look at where our energy feels stuck or blocked. It is also important to look at how we hold our space.  What dimension do we lead with, how many dimensions are there, and what does that even mean?  These are big questions… Big topics.  But all in all the most important thing is just feeling our own energy and being able to look at it objectively. We have many energetic forms/dimensions that make up who we are today.  Understanding some of them help us to understand more about ourselves.  We all have a feminine and masculine form as well as a mental, emotional, spiritual and the one we are most in touch with the physical form.  These are just a FEW…to give you an idea of what I mean when I say “multi-dimensional self”.  The more we practice running our energy the more familiar we will become in where we are holding our space and where we have specific blocks.

By seeing or feeling our own energetic blocks we are able to understand our outward experiences so much clearer.  It also gives us the extra insight to help us get back on track.

When we are able to look at what we are feeling internally and what we are resisting, only then are we able to make real outward change. We are then able to access the tools we need to figure out possible solutions to the road blocks that we were otherwise outwardly reacting to with frustration.

We are all energy, no exceptions!  When we can begin to understand our own energetic self we will then be able to understand our effect on the others.  Therein; collectively participating in universal change.  Simply put when we can learn to look within to decode our own everyday issues, we will create a ripple effect.  This ripple effect will help change the world. 

Have a wonderful day!

Namaste~

Everyday Psychic Conference! Join us February 16th!!

Picture4

 

 

 

 

 

I am pretty excited! I hope you will be able to join us!
Together with two other amazing women I have put together a Conference on February 16th, 2013 titled
A Day with Everyday Psychics!

http://www.everydaypsychics.com

We are very excited about this event. Our intent is to dispel the myths of what it means to be psychic. To help you learn some basic tools so you can access your own inner knowing.

This is an all day event 9:30 a.m. – 6:00 p.m. The event is hosted in Loveland, Colorado. We are looking forward to traveling to Denver and Colorado Springs in the near future. Check out the website for details on registration!

Conference Details
Registration begins at 9am. The morning session begins at 9:30am with speaker introductions, then a short talk from each about the gifts you already have and how to identify them.
We will have an hour lunch break. There are many local eating spots close to the conference so get outside and enjoy! You are also welcome to bring a sack lunch and stay at the conference center if you prefer.
We open the afternoon session with a panel discussion with all of our speakers and talk about your experiences during your lunch break.

What will the speakers be speaking on?
Each of our speakers will host an experiential workshop demonstrating the concepts and tools you need to access your everyday gifts:

Eva Black Tail Swan — Everyday Medicine People

In this workshop our goal will be to awaken our (Medicine) inner-knowing. Inner-knowing is simply one way of speaking about our in-born intuitive sense, our sixth-sense, our connection to and with the High Place, and our connection with our Higher-Self.

We will use our own voice, our vibration, and the sound and vibration of drums and rattles in combination with intention and simple chants to open and awaken our own inner power (our Medicine). Awakening our inner power opens channels of communication with higher realms and will assist us to clear blocks, receive messages, discern our goals and direction, experience Vision, bring about our own healing, and even manifest the life path that is perfect for us.

Sarina Baptista — Connecting to the Other Side

We are all psychic! We all read energy and we all receive information. What we do with this information can make such a difference in the lives we lead. Sarina will connect to the your loved ones on the other side through gallery style readings and show how to receive messages for yourself. Knowing our loved ones are close and can communicate with us can heal us in so many ways, allowing us to live psychically everyday!

Jonelle Davis — Birth Path, Intuition and Energy!

Your life’s mission is revealed in your birth path number. It is within this number that your dream career and the purpose of your great work is revealed. Understanding the meaning of your birth path number can be a profound realization towards living the life of your dreams.

Using intuition and positive energy every day helps us live up to the mission of your birth path. Meditation is key to tapping into and developing your intuition, so we will talk about how to easily meditate every day, and what questions to ask at the end so that you live up to your life’s work. Jonelle will demonstrate how you can identify your highest vibration self and rely on this energy to make decisions in your life and encourage you to open yourself up to inspiration, spirituality and goodness every day.

Jackie Mihalchick aka Clairvoyant Girl — Necessary Tools for Everyday Psychics

Being psychic doesn’t mean you have all the answers or are now able to heal the world. Learning how to run your energy can help empower your life by healing the self first. Jackie provides you with the tools needed to tap into your own personal power. She will walk you through a guided energy run showing you how to unleash the healer within.

You will learn how your energy flows and how to feel and sense where your energy gets blocked. Jackie will demonstrate why it is important to peel back the layers of self and become aware of how we hold energy. You will also learn how these energetic blockages affect your everyday life.

Michelle DesPres — Higher vs. Lower Living – Living Psychically in Relationship to Others and Honoring Cycles of Time to Create Empowerment and Change

Michelle will demonstrate how to bring your highest and most authentic self into every part of your life. You will discover how to follow your personal as well as collective cycles of time for achieving maximum potential and uncover the progressive techniques for maintaining balance physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually with self, family, friends, intimacy, career, etc. You will also learn how to maintain personal boundaries while honoring the boundaries of others. Michelle will teach you how to use energy to protect yourself, your loved ones, and even your car. You will become your own spiritual authority and partake in the clairvoyant revolution that is reinventing the American ideal.

Learning to let go.

20121010-212542.jpg

Learning to let go. The trees do it, why can’t I?

I think Fall is a really good time to look at this lesson. For me this seems to be a tough one. I find that I personally have a really hard time letting go of things, people and even patterns. I know I cannot be the only one! We are out there. I know that there is a bigger picture to all of this. Why we are here. Why I chose the path I did. But for some reason…letting go and taking that step off the cliff is SO very hard to actually do.

When I sit and contemplate this, the message I receive over and over is always the same, it’s an ingrained behavior. It is carried over from not one but many (for me at least) past lives.

I recently read a posts from one of my favorite bloggers(Yamya ~ check her out) http://crystalmoons.wordpress.com and I think she stated it very nicely. On this journey to achieve a higher state of consciousness we need to make sure that we actually take the time and work on healing ourselves. We need to remember to not just push through to the next so-called chapter. So, I am attempting to bring awareness to the issue and work at figuring this inability to let things go, out. Hopefully it may help you look within and figure things out as well.

It confuses me at how I can be spontaneous one minute (in a controlled environment mind you LOL!) and so extremely structured in the next. The point is I have a huge fear of loss. A terrifying fear of losing the ones I love, leaving and being forgotten. I have shared this with friends and loved ones who will sometimes just look at me funny and say Oh come on how could anyone forget you? The point is this feeling, this fear that sits deep within my chest, and is actually real. Based on what I am learning the first place to look to for healing…is my Heart Chakra!

What is it that makes us hold on so tight?

So tight we risk losing all that we hold on to?

Some may say its the “L” word… Love. How can that be really? Love is eternal. The higher I go the more I realize that. How can love make us not let go? In the stories and tales aren’t we supposed to be able to set something free, and if it comes back to you it was yours if it doesn’t it never was. It can’t all be a lie… So, it must be something called fear. I think fear may be the new four letter f word!

I have held too tightly to many things in my life. I don’t want you to think I am talking only about relationships here. I am talking about so much more than just relationships. I am talking about clothing, cars, papers, houses, mementos, letters, jobs… and yes people. We maintain and create all kinds of relationships. Sometimes we can hold on too long to those things. The question for me again is why?

We can all analyze our current lives. And many may find that the solution to our problems can easily be solved right here. Something that spells out the explanation of why our lives turned out the way they did, and why we have some of the issues that we may have. However; sometimes all the self analysis in this world or lifetime won’t fix the underlying issue, since it may be underlying in another lifetime.

For me, I have had numerous readings in my classes by other students, where we have reviewed past lives in each other. The past lifetimes that have been seen for me have stayed fairly consistent. You don’t need to have a past life regression to know that an issue may be from a past life. What you need to do is listen to yourself. Ground yourself and meditate on your issues. What doesn’t make sense to you ask for it to be released from you.

Start with asking your guides to relieve you of this unnecessary block.
Become aware of it, this alone helps to weaken it’s hold on you.
Imagine the best out come…you can do this by removing all the fear, and anxiety that holds you in place.

Next look into balancing your Chakra’s. We will talk more on that soon, I think this gives us a pretty good start. Awareness is always the best start!

Our lessons will keep repeating themselves until we actually learn them. Just something to think about.

Have a good evening…

Day 3 of the Fear Challenge- DONE!! Thank goodness.

20120919-194621.jpg

Today has been a rough one.

I am starting to think this may have been a bad week to do this. I seemingly have very little tolerance for incompetancy and laziness. I didn’t want all my posts to be negative or seemingly about work related issues… but…geeze it is where a lot of us spend the majority of our lives isn’t it? I used to love mine. I really did at one time. Currently, I am falling out of love with it.

Either my growth is bringing me to this point or maybe after 10 years I have just had enough. In relation to my Fear focus this week, I think I can sum up all my fears in my micro world here at work.

Today I feel like I am jumping ahead and piling all my fears that pop into my head into one day, all in the name of work.

Fears I relate to work

Not being good enough
Not knowing enough
Not living up to expectations
Being taken advantage of
Failing
Succeeding
Being left behind
Being forgotten about
Not mattering
Not making a difference
Being left out
Not being respected
Being laughed at

How do these fears effect my work, at least from my perspective.
I over extend myself. I worry too much about pleasing others. I fix things. I am abrupt. I hold things in until they can no longer be contained. I am aggressive. I am passive. I am both of those but not usually together like passive aggressive.

How I believe you should be at work.
Respectful
Appreciative
Professional
Speak your mind
Take ownership
Lead
Contribute
Don’t be afraid to make a mistake
Be honest
Take pride in what you do
Have fun
I believe in working hard

Now for my analysis

1) Fear: For some reason in this life time, at this time in my life I seem to have forgotten actually I honestly seem to be aftaid to live for me.

2) Alternate response: Stop. Accept myself and realize only I can really give myself away.

3) Rational or Irrational? Totally irrational. Obviously irrational, but I honestly don’t know where I am going right now. I know if your reading this your thinking…wow, she has gone off the deep end. I haven’t. Rational me is still very much here.

4) My take on the fear and the signs that signal this fear in the future: I have said that I am a dual person…I have even said a triple person. When really I believe I am a chameleon. I am what and who ever you want me to be for the most part (always with a sprinkling of me splattered in the mix). I have always felt this trait of mine was a good one. It has helped me to be compasionate, empathetic, strong and capable in many different situations. I still think it is a wonderful trait to have. I do see that it is also a liability if at some point along the way you forget to be more you than the make believe, make everyone happy you. Otherwise what happens is you forget little by little who the true you is. It never goes away mind you, it just gets used to taking the back seat, and when you end up calling upon it, its presence is not as sure or strong. Potentially making you believe you are lost and all alone. Depleting us of our power and the control of your feelings.

Acceptance isn’t everything…unless it’s the acceptance of oneself, then it’s not just everything but the only thing.

The one thing that I really need to remember is, that no matter how out of control or out of the mix I feel, only I can give myself away. If ever, or should I say when I start to feel that way, then I need to stop myself and realize that only by allowing it, does it really happen or only then does it feel real.

Day…Three…DONE!

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

My warrior Angel

20120819-211542.jpg

This weekend was a race called The Warrior Dash. It’s the second year that I have done it. For those of you that don’t know what it is check out this link Warrior Dash It is a 5k race at above 7,000 feet sea level (at least the Colorado one is) with obstacles along the way such as; wall climbing, hurdles, jumping over fire, mud pits, etc… Last year after completing it in camouflage TuTu’s my friend and I decided we were going to lose weight…get in shape…and not only do it again, but kick butt while doing it.

A year went by and here it was race time. I was a tad heavier…if not the same weight I was last year…and slightly more out of shape. It was slightly depressing.
We had such high hopes. And I could not help but feel like I failed. The weeks before the race I stressed and stressed about being able to complete it.
I kept telling myself…don’t worry, you can always walk.

It was finally time for our heat…I grounded myself while everyone else was jumping around yelling getting all pumped up to start. I sat there pulling energy from earth and spirit to help me make it through this race. I even invoked Reiki to surround myself with good energy.

Sounds all wonderful and magical doesn’t it? Well, the race started, and the course was slightly different from last year and I thought, I can do this. I have the power of spirit with me. Yay!!!!

And then the first real incline came and as I was gasping for breath fearing for my life…my hands started to tingle. I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I realized this was not going to be that easy. I made the first few obstacles but soon started to feel my legs weaken. I waved my friend ahead…told her I needed to walk a bit. Reluctantly she went on. The last thing I wanted to do was to hold her back.

Now this is where I found my faith in myself start to slip. I thought I would have been able to last much farther than 3/4 of a mile before I felt like throwing in the towel and dying. Nope… This is where I was. I new the first thing I needed to do was get my breathing under control. I started walking and doing some deep yoga breaths…in thru my nose…out through my mouth. To try and convince my body that everything was all right (per the words of a past yoga instructor). It wasn’t working…I kept trying….then, I realized that the breathing wasn’t working because my mind was certain I was going to pass out. I knew I needed to gain some control.
After what felt like hours I got my breath under control. My walking pace was quick. I felt back in control so I thought, run, bad idea! I ran and my mind started to reel. My hands started to tingle again and my shoulders started to ache. I started to think of all the reasons why I should not be doing this. All the health issues I am currently dealing with. The lack of training, the altitude, my age. You name it, it became an excuse.
I spent most of the race walking alone. Head down…focused on the ground. Not because i was ashamed and embarrassed, ok thats not the ONLY reason, it was mainly because the terrain was so unsure. people were twisting ankles on rocks and sliding down hill in the sand, or mud or wet grass.

While I was alone, in somewhat of a oxygen deprived stupor, I realized that I was despising my attitude. Here is what I roughly said to myself. “Jackie, really? Everything you have just listed are nothing but excuses. Excuses are things you despise. They are mere reasons not to hold yourself accountable for your actions. Nothing but Teflon of sorts on to let the failure slide off of you.

Suck it up and start taking responsibility for your actions. Hold yourself accountable. You’re not in shape…don’t blame your health on that. Fix it. Take the steps needed to do what you need to do to fix what is wrong. Don’t let your issues or illness define who you are. They are not a crutch. You can finish this. You don’t need to beat a time. You can walk it. Do your best. Don’t give up. You are bigger and better than this race.”

I was feeling pretty good after my pep talk. Mind you, I was saying all this out loud. I am sure many thought I was completely insane, but I did not care. I was there at that point in time for me. That is one of the hardest things physically I have had to do, and I completed it. That is big.

Now, the story doesn’t end there full of sunshine and roses. Of overcoming obstacles, blah…blah…blah.
It got harder. I got angry. I said F you mountain. I stopped at this one obstacle and thought, I am done. I am skipping this one. As I started to go around the obstacle, this voice yelled out of no where “your only cheating yourself, don’t give up now”. I thought she was talking right to me…like I got caught. Then in a split second I thought I was crazy for even thinking that and proceeded to attempt to skip the obstical. Again this voice said, “don’t quit, your better than that” I turned, my eyes blurred with sweat I couldn’t see who was talking, people were everywhere. Then I heard her again “yes, I am talking to you”. I completed the obstacle. The rest of them. Because of this voice, this women. Once up the mountain we were getting ready to start the decline, and I hear her again. I can now see her. She is not younger nor older than me. She doesn’t seem like wonder woman just normal, and full of kindness. She says to me. “you need to remember to not let the mountain win”. I told her I had just yelled at my self the very things she told me just minutes before I was ready to give up. She said “that’s the funny thing about life, you need to keep telling yourself, over and over and over. You need a mantra”. She said you just say “F you mountain, you won’t beat me. I’ll beat you. Say it over and over”. I did just that and I beat that mountain that day. Perseverance won. I remembered my inner strength.

In the process, I saw the weakness in myself. I saw where I need to not hide. Where I need to stand up and take control. Where I have let myself use excuses for not accomplishing my physical goals. I have let my ownership slide. We control our destiny, our life, our here and now, as well as our future. Take the reins. Don’t let the little things throw you off course.

As for next year, I will be ready for that mountain. I have something to prove, to myself. Its called follow through and accountability.

This race and all the obstacles really do match the courses of our life. Things always come up that we are not ready for. Things always will knock the wind out of us. There will always be that terrible feeling of failure in the face of larger than life issues. How we deal with them in a simple race sometimes mirrors how we will deal in real life. I believe it doesn’t matter how you finish, just as long as you do. That alone is something to be proud of.

One last thing about this mystery woman. I do not know her, or her name. But I know she was there for me. She did not have to say anything to me, but she did, she reached out and touched my spirit. She reminded me not to give up. She was my warrior angel and I will forever be grateful for her.

Have a wonderful week everyone!!!